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My shoulders and ears are all yours, my dear
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| i am realizing that more everyday. I have a few habits that i've been meaning to break, and it hasn't been working that well. Not that i've been trying THAT hard exactly, but i've learned that you must CONSCIOUSLY decide to not give in to the old routine. willpower does nothing if the brain is not thinking along the same lines.
I really want to stop caring that caleigh is hanging around my friends and rob all the time. it bothers me because a) i have hardly been around those two together, so i dont know how they act around each other. it bothers me that he would miss her, and i know he does miss her as a person. i just hope there isnt some emotional attachment/possessiveness hanging around, i know that is not uncommon with an ex.
i've found that trusting is harder than i thought it would be.
but this leads to another thing i've put my finger on regarding my personality, and that's being defensive. a lot of the time there is no reason for it but i'll get angry or defensive. it tends to definitely make everything harder, fucks with my mood and puts a strain on relationships
and i'm such a happy person too, most of the time, that its nonsensical to be defensive and shit like that.
anyway, the point of all this is to relieve a little of the present restless/anxious feeling hanging over me, since i talked to rob this morning. in letting my stupid jealous concerns get the best of me, i told him not to dance with anyone at the club. he proceeded to say that he would dance with a bunch of people in his life and its stupid for me to concern over that, and not to tell him what to do. understandable, i would have reacted the same way probably. honestly, 6months ago i would never have thought to say that to him. but maybe its the distance, or his old love being there, or any number of past insecurities i've had, it does not help either of us when i feel jealous and call him out on being flirty. hell, it doesnt bother me ever when i'm with him. and i'm sure he acts about the same when i'm around as not.
its so easy to convince myself of shit thats not true
anyway, my resolve is to be happy and let my emotion not be dragged down by my wandering mind, ever cynical. always trying to avoid disappointment by seeing how bad something could be instead of the TRUTH, which usually isnt that bad.
I really have no reason to be sad at all right now, i am moving to jax in 3 days, and aside from leaving my mum i couldnt be happier. i hope robby can bear with me as i am trying to not be selfish and to put my best effort toward making us both the happiest people ever.
cause i have come to love rob | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| | Current Music: | beatles-i am the walrus | | Time: | 11:48 pm |
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| Blahhh I hate when the dorm room is super messy. There's just clutter everywhere, i mean a lot of random stuff. and a LOT of clothes. The bathroom can become scummy at times, it gets dirty so easily. I don't really see how, but slowly more junk occumulates on the conter/under the sink. I love it when its clean. Hardly ever, except occasional nights when Ali gets high and goes on a roll.
I feel like I'm starting to live like...sigh... a stoner.
Just my lack of motivation to keep things straight and organized, like my desk. granted no desks are organized in our room...i wish it wasn't so.
I get kinda paranoid when i'm high. i've discovered that and it is just one more motivator for my recent(extremely) decision.
anyway, I also feel like I need more girls in my life. I don't usually hang out with many girls lately...Ali, and when we do it's usually us and boys. Or, occasionally Kathryn. and i love hanging out with Joanna and Bri...it just hasnt happened lately. i've been outta town and so have they. and i havent seen kari for like two months, besides in my living room for 5 minutes.
Not to mention Kristina, haven't seen her since November. Or taryn.
Aya I just feel like i'm letting myself slip away from what i wanted...but at the same time i dont know what i really expected in the first place.
i'm trying to balance what i really care about and what i've come to care about and what i need to care about in order to do well in school.
blahhhh
and there's rob. that's definitely a big part of why i feel confused and crazy.
But you know what...I care about him a lot. that's all i can really say that makes sense. it doesnt help that theres a crazy sexualness between us that i have never experienced before either. gosh.
all i know is that im gonna be feeling uneasy until i get my period. and i feel like i'm gaining weight, hopefully its just cause of the munchies.
which brings to announce my decision:
I am going to quit smoking pot.*
it's not necessary to quit altogether, however, i am only gonna smoke if i'm drinking, or on nights when i have done everything i need to and i really feel like it. and on April 20th. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| new journal everyone
catch_a_fiiire
add me if you want, i still enjoy reading your journals
<3 | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | please don't start being a jerk. that would be such an unpleasent surprise, and i couldn't handle it. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Constantly you're working through the mileage in my head
Oh, I'm calculating, yes I'm sick of waiting
How many hours until I reach your bed?
i suppose it's not all bad being so far away. there's always something to look forward to. and what makes it better is that i trust that there will be for a while.
well i daresay it's been entirely too long since i posted an actual entry regarding my day. As in, events that happened, not just some vague sentence trying to capture an unidentifyable feeling.
things here are good. i started working at abercrombie kids just yesterday. it's not actually open yet, so we're just setting a bunch of shit up and making it look perfect. i don't know how long i'll stick around there, i have an interview for being a hostess at the jax ale house, that would probably be financially smarter. we'll see.
no more coming home all the time....
ive got some awesome friends here though.
i cant spit out my thoughts right now..it's too early. more later. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i neither want nor expect you to be dead quiet while i'm trying to sleep
but i will go about my business as quietly as possible
i don't usually come home early
but i will tiptoe when i do get here
i hope this works out | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | desaparecidos | | Current Location: | dani and caseys | | Subject: | yoyoyo | | Time: | 06:29 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/mely/lemonfaces/pirate.gif) drunk |
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| it's weird to be at college, just to know that i can't really come home whenever i want. but the fact that i'm actually here its really strange.
i miss kyle
and kari
and my mom
but i;m excited to see what it'll be like to live here. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| this is the first night that i've come home to an empty room! my roomates actually stayed out late and i get to do whatever i want !
sooo stoned :) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| nose over tail.
tomorrow is my last day in bradenton.
I got a car today, '01 stationwagon, it's fuckin awesome though
its practically mint compared to the exploder
I thought i would be ecstatic to leave, but i had to go a meet a guy, and now it kinda sucks that i'm going so far.
i reallllllly hope we can work it out, i don't want to lose what took way too long to find. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Kari moved in tonight.
I move out in 11 days
i owe UNF like 2000 dollars, i dunno how thats gonna work out.
I think i accepted my student loans, but i really am not sure. i need help with all this stuff..i feel so lost and confused and on my own already.
Only 5 more days in a row of work, then i'm homefree for one week. then i'm free of my home for lord knows how long, seeing as i probably won't aquire a suitable mode of transportation before then.
boooooo money | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | yikes | | Time: | 02:58 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/mely/lemonfaces/mad.gif) frustrated |
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| | being responsible sure is annoying | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | oh boyo | | Time: | 02:05 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/mely/lemonfaces/worried.gif) torn |
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| so I dont even make a sound
Because its gunna sting me when I leave this town
And all the people in the street
that I'll never get to meet
if these tracks dont bend somehow
and I got no time
that I got to get to
where I dont need to be | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i don't like sleeping alone.
that and the fact that everyones leaving...
margie left tonight
what the fuck
ive never not lived 4 streets away from her
i wonder if leaving everyone is gonna be harder than i thought, especially now.. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i needed that, it let me know where we stand.
ill always want you around.
but i gots to get going.
| | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | ironandwine | | Subject: | oh boyo | | Time: | 11:51 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/mely/lemonfaces/shy.gif) hopeful |
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| i finally found someone who holds my interest...
i spent all day at work yesterday daydreaming
i hope i get a call today ...
today is good already because i had a weird dream last night,
i got to sleep in this morning,
and now i get to go run much needed errands.
fingers crossed for a word... | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| eh, i always learn something from you
i hate it
theres one more reason why i cant let go
what the hell am i gonna do next year? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| im glad to be home
but i feel kinda lonely anyway
but ill always feel lonely until i have you
its weird how one person can make you rethink everything...every plan you have for the future
but what does it matter anyway?
if you have a life you enjoy and not much money
i cant help it | | comments: Leave a comment |
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My shoulders and ears are all yours, my dear
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sigh